My goodness golly! Is my senior year of college supposed to feel this discouraging? I was recently crying at the thought of how fast my life is moving… I mean I’m only in my early 20’s but, I’m stuck in this rut. Sometimes I feel so ecstatic it hurts. I mean I try to be as positive as I can, but everyone has their days. However, it hasn’t just been a day… it’s been awhile. Besides that, I am constantly questioning my purpose like most folks; I came upon this draft post from a year ago. It began to make me feel like I am stuck in this rotating pattern. This constant reminder that I am exactly where I am last year.
Yet, I am not.
“I make the best of them.
Well, sometimes not. Today I stared at a wall for 20 minutes while the soundtrack of La La Land played faintly in the background. I was at work, the place which reminds me so much of the show The Office. I have been working at an office basically all of my college years. I truly love spending my time there because of the great people and the amazing memories that come with the job. Today was different.
I am a routine.
Routines scare me. I felt numb, I began to panic with the thoughts fluttering my mind, there I was thinking about how it’s been two years and I am sick of following this norm. I am sick of not living the way I want. I am stuck with the familiarity of going to a four-year college, looking for jobs, and building a family. Though I am not there yet, I feel destined to it. People will say “you easily can break free” but can I? How would I know? How will I know I will actually live happily? Programmed and left to discover life with limited funds. Can I break these patterns? Would I? It’s safe.
Safe to say, I feel like I am wasting away and I deeply do not have an answer for myself. I could leave school, and be stuck in a lot of debt. I could graduate, be in a lot of debt. Basically, it comes down to the problem of money. Money carries and drowns me deeply. I want to live. But my wants are too expensive.
So for now, I dream which costs nothing at all. I’ll dream of being in Paris walking the starry night-lit streets, I’ll dream of the seabirds racing above my head, and I’ll dream of the adventures that my mind craves.”
Wow. I am currently laughing because this girl, yeah me, got to walk those starry nights in Paris, and spent countless hours every day at the beach in Spain, even better I got drunk in Europe with some pretty cool people. One of my best hometown friends texted me earlier in the week about this similar feeling: “Okay so this is like really out there. But do you ever feel like you are living a mediocre life? Like there are people out there doing s*** like that and here I am sitting in my room doing homework and eating McDonald’s. Like I’m just so sick of living this lame ass life sometimes. You know?”
It made me think, yes, I have this life that seems unexciting because of not having the money or just having to spend a lot of my time in books that I do not necessarily care a whole lot about. Even though it feels dull, no matter what if there is one thing I’ve learned is that, time is precious and even in these moments of “solitude”, every moment can be an adventure, as long as you think positive. I am grateful for everything. Everything I have become, everything I have accomplished (like seeing every movie Eddie Redmayne is in), traveling the world, beginning to love myself. I think that the moments I have with myself, and the ones I share with great friends & family are worth this time on this ride called life. I would give every bit of my time to just be here. In my shoes no matter how rough and dry the times can get. I just have to make the best out of everything because it is my ride. It’s my story.
I recently attended a day filled with new friends where I met a boy and randomly went to a concert where we shared kisses and laughs and danced the night away. Now I sit here and close my eyes when I should be applying to internships and doing my forsaken homework. I feel it. I feel the concert lights hitting my face, the purple and the faintly sound of the music lyrics filling my head, as I bounced around with my poms poms while I smiled at a cute boy. I fell in love with myself. I fell in love with my moment. I feel that moment now.
These are the constant moments I feel when I am in complete solitude. Mainly, I am reliving my adventures so that even in the dullest moments, I can begin to feel alive.